Marriage, love and communication

steel_fish · #1 07-10-2005

I try to search the forums before I post so as not to beat a dead topic. I did see this brought up in a thread awhile back but its to good not to share again.

My wife and I are involved in a Couples Life Group at our church and we just finished the book- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

I want to encourage everyone to read this great book. My wife and I will have been married 11 years on July 15th! We have known each other since the 6th grade, so you would think that we could figure out the best way to communicate?! Wrong...lol

This book helped us tremendously. I truly wish someone had given this to us as a gift on our wedding day. I know that I will be giving it to anyone who gets married!

cdgrph · #2 07-10-2005

I read it a while back and tried to do as it said, but along the way, I slipped back to my old ways. As did my wife, also. We grew apart for a while, eventually basically being 2 strangers living in the same house. Honestly, if I wasn't a Christian and if I hadn't been instilled with such a strong devotion to making a marriage work and not giving divorce a thought, I'd have divorced her a long time ago. My wife then went through a deep depression, which made things worse. Things finally came to a head and we had a long discussion and I laid everything out. My love language is oral affirmation - I'm very sensitive to things people say to me. Hers is two-fold - gifts and time. I'm working extra right now, so she viewed it not as a necessary thing to help us financially right now, but that I didn't want to be with her. I told her how I felt and I didn't like the way she treated me and the way she talked to me. She said she feels like she's living in a prison because she has to watch everything she says. I told her I can't help the way God made me and all I can say is that if she loves me, she'd do it for me just because she loved me.

We've both been trying harder since then, and it's been wonderful since. This has been about 2 weeks ago, so it's still early to tell if it's going to be long lasting, but I think it will. She's totally turned around, and alot more understanding. And she's much more understanding of my needs and I try to make a conscience effort to keep hers in mind and do little things for her I think would fit with her love language. We're going by ourselves (without kids) next weekend to Norwalk, OH (just outside of Cedar Point). Just a nice little lazy town to unwind and take it easy and look at some of the local historic homes (historic homes are an interest of ours - we live in a historic neighborhood and love to look at others to get ideas for ours). I actually enjoy being home now and don't dread it.

Long winded, I know, but my point is, if you read the book and take it to heart it is an excellent book and a must for any marriage, even if you aren't having problems, it will improve your marriage even more and make it even stronger.

ricky · #3 07-10-2005

cd I sure am glad that things are in a positive place for you at the moment. I know I haven't communicated with you the way I should and I don't know that it even matters to you, but I have tried to follow your post about your job situation and those of you and your wife. I do try to pray for you when I read and I continue to pray for you. I appreciate your testimony of devotion. I know that God will honor it. I thank God for your spirit and your presence here at AH. I may try the love language book. It has been recommended before and I think even after 22 years of marriage we could still use it. I too am driven by oral affirmation or any type of feedback. I can't stand silence. I hate trying to figure things out. My imagination always takes it to the worst case.
My wife and I also enjoy the older homes, especially victorian. Unfortunately we do not live in one. Our home was built in the early 70's.
Any way please know that you are thought and cared about.

**flipster** · #4 07-10-2005

Ditto here, cd. I think I will get that book. It has been recommended. My wife and I have taken a short day trip to ride bikes through older neighborhoods. We have restored 3 homes of local interest.

ocheagle · #5 07-12-2005

My wife and I own that book, but we have recently purchased another that I believe is the best book for married couples that I have ever seen (and I've seen plenty). It's called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Most marriage books revolve around the idea of the husband and wife simply loving each other better. This book however, focuses on the Ephesians passage which indicates that while a woman primary need is love, the husbands primary need is respect. The author builds a very strong biblical foundaiton for this and shares a great deal of practical advice as well.
I know there are a lot of good marriage books out there, but this one would be my first choice by far.

quikshft · #6 07-12-2005

ocheagle, would you say the book is worth it for a husbund only? I feel disrespected by my wife, but she's not going to read the book.

steel_fish · #7 07-12-2005

Quote:

Originally Posted by quikshft

ocheagle, would you say the book is worth it for a husbund only? I feel disrespected by my wife, but she's not going to read the book.

The 5 love languages also follow along with Ephesians. Its a great conduit to engage conversation between both husband and wife. You say you feel disrespected by her. I assume this is in the verbal form? Maybe one of your love languages is Words of Affirmation. The way she speaks to you does not give you that "warm and fuzzy" feeling?

I pray that her heart would be softened and she would be willing to read any book that would help your situation.

quikshft · #8 07-12-2005

Steel_Fish check out this thread elsewhere on AH for some background on my life's situation;

http://afterhim.com/ftopict-991.html

steel_fish · #9 07-12-2005

I understand and my prayers are with you.

quikshft · #10 07-12-2005

I could request nothing better. Gracias.